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January 9, 2006:    Surrounded by Studs

Yes, Studs. Not the kind of studs that one thinks of when hearing the word in relation to people who are studs, but people who are covered in studs.

I was shopping the other day and I saw studs on everyone over thirty within my field of vision! Why studs? I asked one or two younger women in these shops that know and they had no answer. The younger woman, as well as myself also wore no studs.

Studs are covering my older baby boomer sisters on their purses, their T-shirts, (a horrid piece of clothing for a boomer,) and anywhere else they can put them. There are studs on their asses. Studs on cell phone cases and studs on belts. Belts that are big and re-released from the eighties when they were bad the first time, are covered with studs. The studs are gold, pewter, silver, and colors that are stranger still, such as a shade of teal. Why are my sister's in studs? How did I miss this trend and who started it?

Was it a hip-hop thing? Was someone wearing studs such as that Paris person and something special happened?

They look BAD, my sisters. They look very, very bad. I'm sorry, but I asked our younger sisters, our daughters, and they agree. Those studs are a very bad thing to wear and age you like a bad hair cut. You look terrible in them and when you turn around when wearing them, your faces look even older!

Picture this, my friends: You've seen those young girls that wore black and studs when we were young? Remember the days of Prince and his black and stud period? I do, I played the Glam Slam then. Remember the little short and plump girls in studded collars and studded bracelets? If so, y0u remember how HARD they looked. They looked HARD and they wanted to. We thought, “Oh dear!”

Now YOU are wearing and carrying those same studs and you look what? Hard. You look hard and guess what? We are too OLD to look that hard! If we go around looking like a biker chick we are showing our age in the very worst way!

Who started this? I know it was not Cher, she has too much taste to wear studs at this time in her life believe it or not.

If anyone knows who started the studs please let me know so I can put the blame squarely where it belongs.

In the meantime, please stop?! Please "just say no," and let your favorite boutique owner loose the sale, send them back or worse, let them put them out for 75% off! I know, I know, you feel you must buy them because you could always trust "Rose," or "June," to buy the latest, but you have to admit that this time, she missed! She missed, he missed and anyone who ever stocked his or her store with these studs missed the boat!

I confess, yesterday I was in a boutique of high-end shoes, clothes and purses and I picked up, (yes, I picked it UP,) a studded purse! Why? I did so because this purse had SO many studs that it was a work of art unto itself! It had SO many studs it almost worked! I forgot to check the designer, so I'm sorry, no plug, but this thing was BRASS! It had those trendy outside pockets made to go along with your upper end parachute pants, and the pockets were, yes, studded to death! I was intrigued and I was intensely interested! They say I can wear anything, and I do. I thought, "I, A, could wear this" purse! It is SO obnoxious I SHOULD wear this purse! I was rushed, so rushed I did not have time to try on the purse. I'm telling you right now, I WILL return to try that overly studly purse, I promise! IF that live green mess of metal and leather is still there, and its price suits me, It's mine. You see? I CAN embrace things that I abhor! OR, I am loosing it!?

I know it is a "Bebe," world out there for many of you. I am trying to accept this, but please hear me on this and stop setting off all those metal detectors. Soften up that make up and if you have already fallen prey to the stud dealers well…donate them! Find your nearest grade school and drop all items off for use in their next play or even better, for the little girls to wear, who might just look cute sporting all that metal! Little diamonds (faux) spelling out "hottie," and "git some," are okay for…well, I confess, I don't know who! WHO should wear those? Whether it is crystals or studs, spelling anything is over the top.

*Exception: I DO wear, on occasion, a T-shirt, made for me by a genuine "biker dude," that says, "Medicated for your protection," but it is TRUE! It is a warning shirt! Sort of like if I should wear an old shirt I had that said "Italian Yuppie," which was a warning shirt when I sported it as a young dancer in Minneapolis! Warnings are important. This warning thing is an untapped market! Men with T-shirts that say, "If you TOUCH my daughter, I’ll KILL YOU," and then underneath, "have a nice day," with one of those resurrected smiley faces on it. Why not?

Studs are for kids, right up there with "Tricks" cereal, and you know it my friends. If no one told you, let me be the first, these things are hurting you badly, they are making you look 100 years old no matter HOW blond you are.

As for those T's with messages, I have it on good authority that one of the newest and hottest is:
"If it has tires or testicles, it’s going to give you trouble." I hear THAT!