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March 13, 2006:    DON'T CALL YOURSELF FAT, PLEASE! (See Reader's Response)

I hear it everyday, or almost daily, outside my home, in a store, while having coffee, everywhere and anywhere. I hear women saying they are too fat, fat, or even, one of the worse statements: "so fat, I hate my self."

I don't understand and this is why: I never notice their weight, honestly, I don't until I hear them say, "I'm so fat!" Please don't tell me you are fat. I don't notice, and I'll bet there are many like myself who don't.

By this time you may want to slap me silly, but why? I didn't know you were "fat," despite the fact that you may have called me "skinny," which is an insulting word, by the way, "thin," is kind, "skinny," hurts my feelings. Just so everyone knows, most psychologists will back me on this: Calling anyone skinny is hurtful and an insult. Once a psychologist told me to ask people to call me "thin," instead in an effort to improve my self-esteem.

But to me, you are not "fat." Please believe this. To me, you are another woman, or man, just like me, with problems, things and people you love, experiences and talents to share. You are person I could learn from, perhaps like, care about, exchange information with, or just say "hi," to when I see you again. It hurts me when you put up a boundary that says, in affect: I'm fat, so don't talk to me, skinny."

I feel like I have to talk to you softer, even if my life is painful and apologize, even make excuses that I am a size 6. Did you know that? I can’t wear much "off the rack," either, you see. I am too tall for a usual 6. Clothes are cut for woman shorted than I, so it may fit at the waist, but the length does not work, so…I look stupid. I, too, feel ugly in those lighted mirrors in the dressing rooms.

"Fat is an ugly word." It means to me, the "fat," on a steak, a piece of chicken or the "fat count," of a food. To ME, "fat," is not an adjective for people. I NEVER describe anyone as "fat." I would not so you, and never have described anyone as such. When I hear others say a person, especially a woman, with all the pressure on us, is "fat," I stop them, I really do. I tell them that it's not right. I tell others it is not right to call people "fat," or "skinny," and I tell them to look in the mirror. I ask them to look because NO ONE is perfect, not even I, a dancer and not the latest diet guru: We are all imperfect.

I have been asked, for example, if someone I know is "fat," and I am at a loss. I say, "I don't know, what's fat?" I don't know, what IS fat, and what is "a bit overweight," what is the difference?

Sometimes when you are mad at your usually fine weight for you, you call me names to you boyfriends and friends. You tell them mean things about me that are not true to raise you up in the eyes of others It could be something about my hair you don't like, even my race, many times I have heard lies told. I know this because sometimes I hear you, or my friends tell me. Imagine that? I think you do this to feel better about yourself. How mean is that? I may have wanted to be your friend. I may have wanted to know you, or just wave when I see you, so why set us up on opposite sides of an invisible fence?

I will concede that perhaps others have called you and my other "sisters," fat. If this is so, I'm very sorry, and I have been called "skinny," enough times to cause me to feel as if I should stuff my face to not be skeletal, so, I understand what that can do to a person. I AM not attractive when my face is drawn and thin from too much work and not enough donuts but I don't need to hear it from cruel people. If people have called you "fat," I never have, you may count on that! I never THOUGHT of calling you fat, and I am telling you truths here. I never notice if you are overweight, I just notice you are bigger than I am. Being bigger than me scares me more than anything. My sisters were bigger than I was and both could beat me up when we were kids and one did! I, however, never called them fat either.

And so I ask for a truce. I am not looking at you and thinking, "she's fat." Please do not look at me with those angry eyes or say things like, "Oh, I hate you, you're so skinny!" That hurts! Why hate me?

Maybe we can get to know each other and we can go out and get a snack. I can eat that fattening piece of cake and you can eat that salad I always get and we can trade bites! Who knows, we just might agree on life in every other way, right? We might have both been reduced to tears and sobbing them on the floor over a man or a relationship. Perhaps both of us have been hurt by a sister, a brother or betrayed by our best friend! Aren't these more important things than a scale? I dare say, yes.

And if you truly want to loose weight, well, maybe I can help you. If I really need to gain, maybe you can help me. Why not?

Why can't we all get along?

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I do not normally post answers to my writings. The reader below impressed me in many ways and I feel her thoughts are very important for all of us to consider. I include her comments with her permission.

Please attempt to contact "Silent Storm," only through me and my site, thank you.

"I really loved this too, thank you.

I've been on both sides. I grew up "too skinny" and was called names, like you said, hurtful names. Skinny, toothpick, flatsy, every single day (I'm not exaggerating) and most of these names were given to me by adults. Those names hurt. "Skinny" meant "ugly." I wasn't anorexic, bulimic, anything, I just happened to like exactly three types of food: tuna sandwiches, milk and scooter pies (now there's a blast from the past). I felt ugly ugly ugly, especially in my teens, because I was too skinny. Nobody thought that being thin like I was was an acceptable or attractive thing to be. In my senior year in high school, my mother actually started buying me something called "Nutrament", a canned drink like Ensure, to help me gain weight. At 18, I was 5'7" and 118 pounds, and I was called ugly.

"I tried desperately to gain weight for years, and, finally, in my twenties, it started working. Unfortunately, when I reached 130 pounds, my husband, family and friends started telling me I needed to lose weight. I yo-yo'd for years. I was never as thin again, but I was at a nice weight much of the time. I, however, never felt like I was the right weight - what could that have been for me? 125? Was that too thin or too fat? I felt the most comfortable and attractive when I weighed about 140, but I never was comfortable with my body image."

.I'm too chicken to put what I weigh now, but suffice to say that I am overweight. If I met you in person, the first thing I would probably do is say "Hi, I'm SS, nice to meet you, I'm fat." It would have nothing to do with how you looked, it would have everything to do with my shame at my weight. You see, if I tell you first, you cannot secretly think that I am fat, because I put it out there. I need people to know that I KNOW I'm fat. (Oops, not supposed to say that.)

I didn't mean to go off here, but your post really hit me. Thank you for this, it is important."

Author: Silent Storm

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My response:

SS. thank you for reading. You know what "skinny," is, I can tell. When you say that you cannot find the right weight, it tells me that you feel there is one? I don't. I wonder, do you think the best we can do is just be the weight we are when we are? If you are like me, you can fluctuate between even three sizes. Why not just BE what size we are and be fine with it? I think you probably are. =)

This IS a painful subject for we as women.

When discussing this openly, as you and I did, we stand a chance at having the "girls club," the boys have had for years and years in this country. Only now can we start to "watch each other's backs," without judgement, hopefully without anger, and best, without jealousy.

I feel that every high school, middle school girl, needs a chance to have this conversations with all of her "sister's" in school. Instead of "groups," for this and that, why not start at the beginning? The beginning is: Why can' we get along?

Thank you, Silent Storm, what you say means much to me and countless others.

warmest regards,

Annalisa

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"Reply:

"This is really an important thing to share with other women, and truly I haven't read a point of view like yours or even seen this subject broached.

Let's hear it for the Girl's Club!! "

Author: Silent Storm

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Candy's comments:

hey amp what is your view on the weight subject? what do you consider over weight? as a kids i was also picked on cause i was too skinny but then at age 9 i start gaining wieght i was never really over weight but i was healthy. my mom and grandma never thought so they alway tried putting me on a diete at age 10 and it has never stopped. now there excuse is cause they are scared i am gonna have a heart attack i guess my mom forgot that NOONE in my dads family is skinny so i took after his side. now i weight 235lbs and i am okay with that and my hubby loves it. you know now that i think about it my mother now weights only 80lbs cause of the drugs she does. so who needs what now? anyway i was just writing to let ya'll know ya'll are not alone. and does anyone know where a big girl can find nice clothes cause at walmart all the clothes they have even my grandma wouldnt wear?

thanks candy

My reply:

Hi Candy!
How do I feel about those who are "plus sizes?" I think that any woman, at any weight is and can be attractive and it comes from inside!
I love your attitude about your weight! It is excellent that you know you are beautiful at the weight you are.

I think, Candy, since you asked, that may women who strive to be thin are fighting their body types. Yes, there are health risks for the heavier woman, blood pressure, heart attack, diabetes, (heart attach is the leading killer of women now in our country! BUT, there are as many health risks for those striving to to thin. The lack of calories and vitamins can cause all manner of problems. Those that  binge and purge, or those suffering from anorexia can suffer from things like loosing their teeth from stomach acid, ulcers, a low immune system, all of which can lead to bigger problems. Diet pills also have their dangers. If the immune system is down, we are subject to all sorts of problems. Dehydration is one of the leading causes of problems. Women who are fighting weight often try to above "bloat," by not drinking enough water, (caffeine and sugared drinks actually can deplete the body of water,) are doing their body great damage! I have seen dancers striving to be thin, (models as well,) faint, have to visit the hospital for dehydration, taking up to three bags of water and still run to get to gigs!

So, that is what I think Heavier can be cute, beautiful, classy, and gorgeous. And there are MANY more plus-size models to prove it!

Some common chains that carry clothes that fit, and I would not upset myself by looking for things in stores that don't cater to me, are :

Just my size - casual clothing, lower priced, and available on line or at stores

Catherine's, -- Same, casual clothing, not a bad price, online or at stores.

for better clothes,

Lane Bryant has a plus size site, and stores in larger cities that are classy if you want to treat yourself!

Plus size modeling is booming and "baby boomers," are demanding that we see those women who are our age, or who are not the average thin type model, and a site for that is:

http://venusimaging.com/ or google "Venus imaging)

A nice group,, forum and web site that stays hip is:
CurvyChick

There is a magazine called "Radiance," that is targeted for bigger woman and more. I think if I were you, I'd get into myself and check all this out to support me and help me NOT strive to be a stick thin woman, which is not every woman's body type! My own best girlfriend does NOT weigh in at a low weight.

I hope this helps, Candy, and I hope you will jump right into our clothing discussions as you are more than welcome! I'll bet you have great fashion ideas of your own!

If you go online and google "plus size clothing," there are some pretty cool independent companies too! Let us know if you find some hot ones!

Thanks for the question, Candy, please stay in touch!

Warmest regards,
Amp